The Land of Farten-Burrrpen

Chapter nine

Having found the ToadStool with the Red Gate that said APOTHECARY on it, the three Companions stood outside the Gate because they didn’t Quite Know what to Say. Or What to Do.

Luckily for them, Soon. Quite Soon. Very Soon, As a Matter of Fact, a Little Old Lady came out of the Bright Blue Door of the ToadStool with the Red Gate that said APOTHECARY on it.

“Well, well!” she Said. “And who might you Young’Uns be?”

“Why, we are… we are…” and Mr FartenFurter, who was Normally Quite Composed, found himself Floundering for Words.

And Foot and Foot-Foot continued to Tap Out A-rhythmically.

And then Fart’n’Fart Blew In with a Great Old Gust that Quite Knocked the Socks Off the Old Lady!

Mr FartenFurter was Beside Himself! How could this have Happened? He had come to ask for Help? Would she Help him NOW?????

He Frantically went to the PeaBerry Bush and pulled down One Sock. Then he Ran to the HushPuppy Tree and pulled down Another Sock.

Very Embarrassed and Shamefacedly, he Hesitantly offered them to the Old Lady.

“I’m SO SORRY!” he said. “It’s just this Fart’n’Fart! He has no Manners!”

“No worries!” laughed the Old Lady. “I Know who you Are! You are Our Mayor! Mr FartenFurter!”

“Indeed, I am,” said a very abashed Mr FartenFurter.

“Tell me How I can Help you?” asked the Old Lady putting on her Socks.

“Well…..” and Mr FartenFurter started telling her about how he had gone a-walking around the Big Tree looking for the Wondrous Smell.

The Old Lady Felt a Story coming On, so she invited him into the ToadStool with the Blue Door for a nice cuppa tea while he Unburdened Himself.

And so, they all went In.

As they Sat Around a table, Mr FartenFurter Proceeded to Tell the Old Lady (whose name he still did Not Know) about his Encounter with Ms Burrrpen Moily.

The Old Lady Listened Very Carefully. And she did NOT Laugh. She merely Smiled. For she knew What Had Happened.

Mr FartenFurter Had Fallen In Love!

The Land of Farten-Burrrpen

Chapter eight

In the Meanwhile and in the Meantime, on the Other Side of the Big Tree, Mr FartenFurter was in a Total Mess.

He Just Did Not Know What Had HIT HIM!!!!!

He Talked to Fart’n’Fart who Rumbled away at him but Gave him no Answers.

He Talked to both Foot and Foot-Foot. No Luck there either. They just Stomped Up and Down and in Different Directions at the same time.

For they were all Bewildered and Betwixt. One of the problems was, they didn’t know what they were Betwixt… They never realised that they were Bewitched and Bewildered!

So Mr FartenFurter did the only thing he could Think of To Do. And that was, he Picked Himself Up, got Out of Bed, performed his Morning Ablutions, had his Breakfast (for he couldn’t do anything on an Empty Stomach now, could he?), and off he went to Talk to Ms Pick-a-Little to see if she could Help him.

He stood in front of Ms Pick-a-Little and Harrrrumphed! while Fart’n’Fart Gusted and Foot and Foot-Foot Tapped and Rapped out of Rhythm.

“What IS it, Mayor? Is another Gust Upon Us? Is Something Big Happening? Should I be Prepared? Do I need to Notify All and Sundry?” asked Ms Pick-a-Little in a bit of a Quandry.

“Well… The matter is that I don’t Quite Know,” quoth Mr FartenFurter.

“Has it anything to do with the Town?” asked a Prickly Ms Pick-a-Little .

“No! No! Nothing like that! I just don’t know who else to talk to!” said a slightly Abashed Mr FartenFurter.

“Well then, don’t you be Wasting my Time, Mr Mayor! I’ve got Things To Do and Places To Be! And I can’t Be Late, You Know! Go and Talk to the Apothecary.”

“And where will I find him?”

“She’s not a Him!” said an irate Ms Pick-a-Little . “She’s a She! Don’t you know AnyOne and AnyThing? How did you get to be Mayor AnyWay?”

“Well, it was all because of …,” started an Apologetic and Deeply Embarrassed Mr FartenFurter.

“I know, I know! Don’t you be Starting With ME, now! Just go to the End of the Lane and you will Find a ToadStool with a Red Gate that says APOTHECARY on it. That’s where you’ll Find her. Now be Off with you! Don’t you be Wasting my Time!”

And an Abashed Mr FartenFurter and his two Companions set off, in Unison, down the Lane, towards the ToadStool with the Red Gate that said APOTHECARY on it.

The Land of Farten-Burrrpen

Chapter Seven

And so, while Mr FartenFurter Whiled Away his Time Sleeping and Thinking, what was Happening down at Whatchamaycallit Cottage?

Well, in the same MeanWhile, Ms Burrrpen Moily was in a Similar State of Flux. She did not Know What Had Hit Her.

But she felt as if a Big Whoooooooooosh! had come and Knocked her off her Feet!

She did not know What to Think! For though she was standing on her feet, and though Nothing and Nobody had Knocked her, she still felt totally KNOCKED!

Her brother, Mean, came through the Woods and found her standing at the gate of the Cottage, Mouth Wide Open, with Not A Whooooops! around!

He was Scared! He ran for his Mother. And he ran for his Father!

“Amma! Appa! Something happen to Burrrpie! Come phast! Come phast!”

And his mother and his father ran to the Cottage from different directions (they had been out gathering Wood for the Stove).

“Burrrpie! Burrrpie! Aiyo Burrrpie!” cried Amma Moily, falling to her haunches in front of Burrrpen and weeping.

“Burrrpie! Ki holo Burrrpie?” cried Appa Moily, who had travelled to Different Lands and picked up Different Languages. Some of which he wore on his Vest.

He shook young Burrrpen. He slapped young Burrrpen. And suddenly there was a Tremendous Rumbling and a Gigantic Whoooooooooops! Erupted from Ms Burrrpen Moily’s mouth and she Came To Her Senses.

“Where, O Where Am I?” she cried piteously.

“But you is at HOME, Burrrpie!” cried Amma Moily rocking back and forth on her Heels.

“What, O What Has Happen To ME?” cried Burrrpen even more piteously.

“What has happen, Burrrpie? Oh tell us, but what has happen?” cried her father.

“I don’t know,” said the maiden. “The wonly thing I be knowing is that the Mayor be coming. I be looking at Him. He be looking at Me. We be Talking Little Little. He be going. I be watching Him Going. And Going. And Gone. Then you be slapping and shaking me Appa!”

Appa Moily looked at Amma Moily. Amma Moily looked at Mean Moily. Mean Moily looked at Appa Moily. And all three Burst Out Laughing at the same Time.

“What has happen? What has happen? Tell me! Oh, somebody tell me!” cried Burrrpen pitiably.

“I be thinking,” said her brother, Mean, with a Grim-Achy look on his Face. “I be thinking, Burrrpie, that you be FALLING IN LAU!”

The Land of Farten-Burrrpen

Chapter Six

The Three Companions walked home to their cottage (which by the by, was called SuchLike) in Three Different States of Mind.

Foot and Foot-Foot had to be Awoken before they would start Moving. And it took the combined efforts of Fart’n’Fart and Mr FartenFurter to do so.

For they quite enjoyed the softness of the ground around them. It was nice and dry. It was nice and nice-smelling. And most of all, IT WAS SOFT! You have to understand how Taxing it is for Feet when People Stand on them and Walk on them and Run on them and use them to Kick Things Around. No one REALLY worries about what the Feet might Think.

Of course, Mr FartenFurter was more considerate of his Feet than most Other People, but even-so, Foot and Foot-Foot fell Asleep outside Ms Moily’s Whatchamaycallit Cottage. Because it was so …

“Enough!” roared Mr FartenFurter. “You’ve told us Once! We don’t need to Hear it AGAIN!”

Now it was most unusual for Mr FartenFurter to SHOUT and Foot and Foot-Foot and even Fart’n’Fart were Shocked into Silence.

But Mr FartenFurter was a Perplexed Man. He was a Bewildered Man. He was a Man at Sea. Which was strange because there was no sea within miles of The Land of Whooooops! And furthermore, he was a Man at Sea Without a Boat.

In Other Words, Mr FartenFurter, was Lost. There was a strange Warmth in his Chest which he could not Understand.

He Looked around. He Felt around. He saw Nothing. He felt Nothing Tangible. There was no bird in the sky. There was no tiny creature in his waistcoat lining. His shirt was dry. So it definitely was not Liquid Warmth. But it FELT like it! What then, Was It?

Mr FartenFurter did not know what to do.

So he did the only thing he could think of. He walked around the Big Tree, keeping far away from Whatchamaycallit Cottage and he Thunk. And he Thunk. And he Thunk.

But all this Thinking did him No Good. He just Did Not Know What that Warmth was that Would Not Go Away.

So he did the next best thing he could.

He got into Bed, covered himself up to his Nose and Fell Asleep.


The Land of Farten-Burrrpen

Chapter Five

Now Ms Burrrpen-Moily was a Lovely Lady with an Abdomen of Outstanding Girth. And it was this Appendage that caught her visitor’s eye. More than Mr FartenFurter, it caught Fart’n’Fart’s eye! For here was a Match worthy of him!

“And who might YOU be, young lady?” asked Mr FartenFurter.

“Why, I told you. Myself Burrrpen-Moily. Father mother, Mr & Mrs Moily. Brother, Mean-Moily. Living in Whatchamaycallit Cottage in TheseHere Woods.”

“Ah, I see,” said Mr FartenFurter, quite nonplused by the strange Wordage of Ms Moily. “Have you always lived here?”

“Yes, for surely! I am living here all the timely!”

“And your parents? Have they always been here?”

“NO, for surely! They and my brother, Mean, having come from far away land. I am not quite knowing where, I am sorry to say…”

“Oh, please don’t worry,” said Mr FartenFurter who had no first name unlike young Burrrpen. “I didn’t mean to upset you. It’s just that…”

“Oh, no need to worry! I am knowing! I am knowing that I am talking phunny. I am knowing it! But my phamily is speaking like this wonly. Other peoples making phun of us. That is why we be living here. But we be liking it here wonly. You understand?”

“Yes, yes! Perfectly!” said Mr FartenFurter wiping his brow because he had broken into a bit, just a tad of a Sweat trying to follow Burrrpen’s words.

And all the time, Fart’n’Fart had no problem understanding a word. Foot and Foot-Foot had fallen asleep so they didn’t hear anything.

“Well,” said Mr FartenFurter. “It was nice meeting you. I hope we meet again. I live just around the Big Tree. On the other side. Far, far on the Other Side.”

“Vell then, for surely ve vill meet again!” said Burrrpen happily. “Come and meet my phamily, you must! I vill tell you vhen.”

“I would certainly like that,” said Mr FartenFurter, not sure of it at all.

And he and HIS family wandered back to their Hammock after he had woken up Foot and Foot-Foot and bade Ms Moily adieu.

Chapter Six coming soon ……

The Land of Farten-Burrrpen

Chapter Four

And so Mr FartenFurter moved into the Cottage with his three Companions from whom he Could-Not-Be-Parted.

Now, on the other side of the Trees there was another Little Cottage where lived a Pair of Siblings. The Moilys. There was the sister, Burrrpen-Moily. And there was the brother, Mean-Moily.

Why, you ask, would parents name their only son MEAN? And a very good question that is.

You see, when Mean-Moily was born, he came out of his Mother’s OOmb with a Grim-Achy look on his Face. And it was such a Horrific Look, that his Father couldn’t help but say, “Goodness Gracious! What a Mean Looking Totter that be’s!”

And so-ly and thus-ly, the child came to be called Mean-Moily. For the Parents were Mr & Mrs Moily of Whatchamaycallit Cottage.

One day, Mr FartenFurter, who was reclining in a Hammock slung between the Trees, while Fart’n’Fart waxed eloquent between the netting of the Hammock itself, Smelt a Strange Smell.

Now living in The Land of Whooooops!, Mr FartenFurter had become used to Waftings of some Rather Extraordinary Natures. For example, there was DingleBerry whose Whooooops! smelt of Strawberries. And there was PinkleFloss who Exuded Pineapple.

But now, all of a Sudden, Mr FartenFurter smelt Something that he had never smelt before! It was Exciting! What, oh what, could it be???

He carefully got down from the Hammock. He talked to Foot and Foot-Foot and they agreed they had to Get To The Bottom of this Mystery.

He walked Through the Trees. He walked Around the Trees. And Spotted another Little Cottage. He could Swear the Enticing Smell was coming from Somewhere There.

He Approached the Little Cottage and politely asked Fart’n’Fart to announce his presence.

Fart’n’Fart lived up to his reputation and let out such a Roar that once again, the Trees Trembled and Shivered. But they were used to him by now and did NOT let down their Leaves.

Hearing the Commotion, a member of the Female Persuasion appeared from within the Little Cottage.

“Excuse me please, but Who Might You Be?” she asked politely.

“I am Mr FartenFurter, Mayor of this, The Land of Whooooops!”, quoth the Lumbersome gent.

“Ooooh! I’ve HEARD about you. I never thought I’d SEE you!” said the maid.

“And who might YOU be?” quoth our Hero.

“Myself Burrrpen-Moily”, she said.

And thus our two protagonists met, Among the Trees as the Butterflies Hovered Overhead.

(A Moment of Silence, please, for the imagined Look that was exchanged among the Would-Be Bosom Companions.)

Chapter Five coming soon…..

The Land of Farten-Burrrpen

Chapter Three

And there was so much for the new Mayor to do!

As the Town had never in its History Experienced such a Gusty Wind before, there was Utter Chaos and Mayhem with people rushing Hither and Thither not knowing Where To Go or What To Do.

The first thing Mr FartenFurter did was to establish a Constabulary. This very High-Sounding Force consisted of One Personage by the name of Ms Pick-a-Little who, it seemed, and Everyone was agreed on this, was very good at telling Everyone Else WHAT TO DO.

So, Ms Pick-a-Little was directed to Clean Up the Town with the help of her Crew, the Sundrys. For sure enough, Mr FartenFurter’s Billowing Episode had not only brought the leaves down, it had also caused little Whooooopsians to Create Little Stinking Mounds all over the place. It had caused the Doglings to Pee unsafely in Not-Their-Designated-Areas.

Oh dear! Oh dear! What a Mess was there!

But Ms Pick-a-Little rolled up her sleeves, lined up the Sundrys, sought the help of All the Whooooopsians and soon, in a Four-Beat actually, her Crew of All and Sundry was busy cleaning up the Town.

With THAT most urgent work off his Mind, Mr FartenFurter Pondered over his next Problem… Where was he to LIVE?????

There had never before been a Mayor in The Land of Whooooops! and so, and thusly, there was no Mayorial Palace. Not even a Mayorial Mansion. Let alone a Mayor’s Dwelling.

What to do? What to do? What to do?

And so, after walking around the Town, Pondering and Pondering, (for once, Foot and Foot-Foot marched together and not at odds with each other), Mr FartenFurter saw a little, itty-bitty cottage tucked away among the Trees.

He asked Old Mr Conkers (the oldest Whooooopsian there), who that cottage belonged to.

“Nary a soul,” said Mr Conkers. “‘Tis been empty this many a year. What you be askin’ me dat fer?”

“Weeeell, I thought I would live there. It’s among the Trees, you see…”, said Mr FartenFurter.

“Can’t see no ‘arm in dat!” whoooooshed old Mr Conkers. “Since it don’t belong to NoBody, I guess it’s yourn!”

And Mr FartenFurter and Fart’n’Fart and Foot and Foot-Foot were so Elated that they Danced with Joy. Until Fart’n’Fart let out a small Whooooosh! and Mr FartenFurter Declared that it did not suit the Dignity of His Office to be Cavorting like a young lad.


Chapter Four coming soon….

The Land of Farten-Burrrpen

Chapter Two

Having arrived in The Land of Whooooops!, Mr FartenFurter and his Faithful Companions Looked Around. And what did they see? A Sea of People with Mouths Open. Hair Standing on End. And the Never-Ending Buuuuurp that emitted from those Open Mouths.

Mr FartenFurter’s Own Mouth fell open in Amazement! And Fart’n’Fart, whom he had told to be on his strictest Good Behaviour, also opened his mouth and let the Wind Pass! Oh boy! What a Furore there was! The Good People of Whooooops! just did not know what Hit them!

Never had they Experienced such a Pheno-Menon before!

A Loud, Smelly (for Mr FartenFurter had eaten cabbage soup on his journey), and totally GUSTY wind shook the leaves off the trees of The Land of Whooooops!

Some of the Whooooopsians fainted with Shock. Some fainted with Fear. And some fainted with the Sheer Joy of Experiencing such a Gust! But Faint they ALL did.

Mr FartenFurter and his Companions were really Scared. They didn’t know what to do. They tried to Run Away, but Foot and Foot-Foot couldn’t Agree which way to go. And so First they went in Two Different Directions. Then they got Tangled up and caused Mr FartenFurter to Fall.

And what a Fall that was!

That Ginormous Behind Rocked The Land of Whooooops! to its very Core!

And all the Whooooopsians Found their Senses. Some Found them lying Next to them. Some Found them in their Pockets. Some Found them in other Whooooopsians’ Hair. Some had to Look Among the Leaves for them. But they all Found their Senses.

And when they were all In Their Senses, they looked at Mr FartenFurter who was Very Scared by This Time.

Slowly they went up to him. And he got Scareder and Scareder.

One Whooooopsian slowly Touched him. Another touched Fart’n’Fart. Mr FartenFurter didn’t know What To Do. When the Whooooopsians Realised that Mr FartenFurter was scared and didn’t mean them any harm, they all began to touch Fart’n’Fart. They had never seen anything like it before and couldn’t believe their eyes. But they soon Realised that that was making Mr FartenFurter Uncomfortable.

So they stopped.

They smiled at him and let out Joyous Whooooops!

“Welcome to The Land of Whooooops! Will you Live among us? Will you be our Mayor? We have never Heard anything Quite So Gusty as You!”

And that is how Mr FartenFurter, Fart’n’Fart, and Foot and Foot-Foot, came to be Cherished Members of the Populace of The Land of Whooooops!

Chapter Three coming soon…..

This is where I write stories for fun! Enjoy!


Chapter One

Once upon a time, not so long ago, actually very much in the near past and in the nearly future, there lived two people quite close to each other. So close, as a matter of fact, that they could SMELL each other. They were Mr FartenFurter and Ms Burrrpen-Moily.

Now Mr Fartenfurter was a thin kind of chap with a Ginormous Rear that was his eternal embarrassment and also his Pride and Joy. Because, you see, this Ginormous Appendage made him Totally Unique in a land not known for unique people. In a land full of mediocre personages who did their best to stay as far away from him as they possibly could. With the result that he was Quite Lonely.

Mr Fartenfurter was quite scrupulous in his comportment. He was neat, well dressed and walked with a heavy, thoughtful tread. Which meant that his Feet, which were rather large, took time to land on the ground, because each Foot had to THINK where it was going next. And sometimes, this led to him to go in Different Directions at the same time. Which was a Great Inconvenience.

Mr FartenFurter was a young man of about thirty leaf seasons. He had seen them all. Green leaves, yellow leaves, brown leaves, no leaves. He knew them intimately. His main problem, as he saw it, was that with his large Rear Appendage (and large Feet to match), he had no friends. The only companions he had, were his Rear and his two Feet. Let’s call them Fart’n’Fart, and Foot and Foot-Foot, shall we?

So, in his loneliness, Mr FartenFurter and Fart’n’Fart had many a lonely conversation. They discussed everything under the sun. They even Sang Songs – duets, solos… Name them, they sang them in a Lonely Chorus.

But this was not enough. Mr FartenFurter needed more.

So one day he decided to go a-Walking. He talked to Foot and Foot-Foot (with Fart’n’Fart putting in his two bits worth) and together they agreed to go to the nearby Land of Whooooops! to see if there wasn’t, perhaps, a Maiden who might agree to spend Time with them.

And so, after much discussion, off they went to The Land of Whooooops!

After many an adventure which I will save for another time, they reached that there Land of Whooooops! There they were surprised to find a populace of Open Mouthed People living in a Gusty Environment. The Motto of the City was “GUSTY IS AS GUSTY DOES”. Mr FartenFurter, his two Feet and his eternal companion, Fart’n’Fart could not understand why a City would have such a Motto. They were Be-Wildered.

However, they soon came to know the reason for both the name of the City, The Land of Whooooops! and the Motto, “GUSTY IS AS GUSTY DOES”. For Lo and Behold! This was a land where everybody made Gushing Whooping air noises with their Mouths, much as Mr FartenFurter did with his Rear!

Now I’ll leave you here, with the three-on-one companions Awed, Amazed and Aghast at their luck in finding the Land of Whooooops!

Chapter Two coming soon…..